What is the child? Without pretending to give a definition, I would call the child a paradox. She comes from and is initially dependent on me and yet will become her own individual, comes to be known and yet remains unknown, and is the "result" of my decision and yet "given" to me at the same time. It is because of these paradoxes that bringing a child into the world and rearing her is such a weighty responsibility.

The child in a certain sense comes from me and thus belongs to me. Without them you wouldn't be here at all. Some people even treat their child as some kind of alter ego or reincarnation, someone who has to avoid their grave mistakes and/or one who must pursue their failed dreams. However, as we all know the child will become a separate and autonomous person. Yes she is my offspring (springs or comes from me), but she will eventually be able to make her own decisions, based on her own feelings, knowledge, and convictions, and thereby have a life of her own quite independent of me. Such is the degree of autonomy and separation the child achieves that she can even rebel against me, hate me, even to ignore or refuse to recognize my existence.

Parents sometimes see themselves in their child (in terms of both physical appearance and behavior)—and in this sense the child is already someone known and familiar. She can be said to "look so much like her mother" or is as "stubborn as her father." Because the child resembles the parents, one can sometimes predict how she would react in given situations. Yet the child remains unknown for she will come to develop an inner life of her own that I cannot access unless she lets me by talking to me, sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I'm sure some of you have done or said some things that have led your parents to wonder if they really know their own children.

Lastly, the child is the "outcome" of my decision(s) and is at the same time someone I receive. One decides to have a child—and even if the conception was an "accident," one still chooses to let the child be born. I also decide to recognize the child as mine. I give her a name, my name and my other decisions (such as where to live, what to do for a living, etc.) will shape the person she will become. Yet, the time, place, and the circumstances surrounding the child's arrival are things that I may have little control over. On top of this, I cannot choose the exact physical and psychological straits, potentialities, and capacities of my child. Moreover, the child remains a gift beyond all my capacities to produce or acquire. Practically speaking, I can never do it alone (even artificial insemination or fertilization requires other people) and I do not actually have the power to bring another individual into this world. The child happens or is given to me, someone I can only receive.

These paradoxes make having a child such a great responsibility. For we are bringing into the world not another thing that can easily be exchanged or disposed of when no longer useful or wanted, not an animal that is able to interact with others but whose impact on our affairs might be limited. One who has a child is charged with rearing another human individual who comes to think and choose for herself, thus act and affect the world in her own way. As my child, she carries on my name, traditions, beliefs, convictions; yet because she is another person, she can also revise or reject these; she can be a source of change or of things completely original. Also, while she becomes somebody familiar, she can remain a mystery because she bears a point of view uniquely her own. That she has this means she can have a particular view of the world; it can even perhaps be said that through the child's eyes, another world can be born and seen. Now while the child's inner life is secret (unless she shares her thoughts and feelings) it is shaped by my decisions and the way one treats the child. Lastly, having a child is being responsible for one who is beyond all our knowledge and powers. The parent is made responsible for someone greater than him, someone he did not produce and can never totally comprehend, another person filled with potencies and capacities beyond his knowledge and imagining. To have a child is to receive a gift that still has to grow and reach fullness. It is first and foremost the self-giving of the parent that allows the child to achieve these. |